Change

Have you ever had the feeling, once morning, suddenly... That everything is so different? Things in the past however many weeks, months, or years seem vague and blurry? You realised... You don't remember how you got to the point you did, and all this you've been building, you have no fucking idea what to do with it.

The people that loved you, the people that have guided you, are no longer around; and haven't been, for a very long time now. It's like a dream. You don't even remember when they disappeared... When did they leave? What was the last thing said? Why did they go?

All these skills you've acquired, this experience you've hoarded-- what does it all mean? It's like you woke up in someone else's life, and you don't know what this scrawling in the journal mean. What're you supposed to do with all this? How do you even begin to decipher?

Oh, the dreams you hazily recall, the crazy hopes, seem like such a hyperbole. Where the hell were you trying to go with this? This map of yours--theirs-- you can’t comprehend.

有没有感受过。。。一天，你感觉一切都改变了。这过去的几个星期，几个月，几年都是模糊的。

突然，你发现好久你已经不是你自己了，而且过的是一个陌生人的生活。

那些城今爱过你的人，痛过你的人，指导过你的人已经早离开你呢，而你已不记得他们什么时候消失的，或者为了什么而走。

这些你准备好的经验，本为一个美好的未来，你都不知该怎么用。而对于你的将来，你更不知如何对付。以前的梦想，往常的希望都感觉好遥远，好离谱。

怎么会这样。。。你怎么都没注意。。。?

…What happens to me when, one day, I’ll wake up, and completely lose all my interest for this path? What happens when, god forbid, I’ll wake and decide I don’t want to be an attorney. Were all these steps, every step I’ve taken since setting foot in the states, wasted?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbHFFpVfKgM

Update

For those of you who extended your most sincere wishes, prayers, and encourage--thank you. For the others that saw my previous entry as a way to fulfill your need for storytelling attention and an opportunity to gossip, I hope you get what you deserved.

Thank you for being there.

Song-Name Game
You know those songs you hear that immediately and always remind you of that specifically person, for whatever reason? This is kind of like the 35 Secrets game, but with 10 songs instead. No repeats w/ songs or ppl.

1] <<Because of You>> Neyo
2] <<I Miss You>> Blink182
3] <<Astrosexy Remix>> mFlo
4] <<Powers Rangers in Space>>
5] <<Kiss Goodbye>> Wong Lee Hom
6] <<Scar>> Papa Roach
7] <<Dance with the Devil>> Immortal Technique
8] <<至少还有你>>
9] <<Take a Look at My Girlfriend>> Gym Class Heroes
10] <<Nothing Else Matters>> Metallica

Shh- Jane Child.

Your lips are moving, darling
I know you're saying something
It’s revolutionary,
But I’m not listening honey.
Casual conversation,
I’m going through the motions.
Inside I’m dying, baby
I think I’m going crazy.

The judges nudge each other,
They nod in recognition
They're conscious responding
To this divine condition
Inside my head, I hear a choir of angels screaming
Why don’t you,
What’s the matter?
Whyyy

Shh.
I try to myself
No. I mustn’t let it show
Shh.
I gotta keep control
(Oh)

You gaze into my eyes and
I know you're seeing something
It’s revolutionary. but you're not listening, honey
A different here and now, I breathless in expectation
A little reassurance.
Don’t look my hands shaking...

They talk about me, darling
Their voices loud as thunder.
It’s all that I can do to
Keep me from going under.
If you could hear a voice
My upper lefthand corner
Relentless motherfucker.

Whyyy?!

Shh
I try to tell myself
No. I mustn't let it show
Shh
I gotta keep control
(Aw) yeah yeah

And every second I’m awake
And every second I'm survive
And every ounce that I posses

(Ohhh)

Every second that I’m hear
Every second I'm on the edge
Any second I could blow

Uh uh uh uh

What if I fell apart and
Smashed into a thousand pieces
What if I gave all up?
And gave it all away
Would you say I was crazy?
Would you have me committed?
Would you embrace me, darling?
Or turn and walk away....?


Shh
I try to tell myself
No
I mustn’t let it show
Gotta keep control
Shh
I try to tell my self
Oh
I mustn’t let it show
Oh
I gotta keep control

Oh
I try to tell my self
Tell my self
Tell my self
Tell my self
What am I living for?

Oh
Oh I gotta keep control
Oh
No no no no no no no no
Oh
Yah yah yah yah
Oh
What I am living for.....

This year's reflection comes a bit early.. because today, in mid-December, I've finally decided to fulfill last year's resolutions... no procrasination...

As the end of the year approaches, I begin thinking about everything that's happened over the past year, and I've come up with a couple thoughts I would like to share.

First off, I forgive you. I know all about everything that I shouldn't have and I realised that I forgive you. It is time for me to move on. I remember saying to a friend, once, "Holding a grudge is not letting go." So, no longer will I allow my emotions and knowledge to haunt me and torment my mind.

Second epiphany, I've spent the past year caring about and for people and things that I shouldn't have and thereby, neglecting the people I should've. I wasn't exactly oblivious, I don't think, I was just spreading myself out too thin. Next year, I'll stop, as Jerry puts it, "trying to save the world". I've got a good, sturdy list of the people that stand by me, altruistically, and it's time to pay them the same respect. Althought this metamorphsis will be difficult and I'm sure I'll begin to offend many people, but it's necessary for me to mature as a person and be able to repay the people I owe it to.

Thirdly, no more alienation.My trip to China was supposed to be a reclusive remedy, a retreat, allowing me to sort things out without extrinsic factors. However, I know now that I can't run away from my problems if they're intrinsic. So, I'm going to deal with them.

Lastly, my foolish hopes and silly dreams have finally given way to my realities. No longer will I be the optimistic carpet you can walk all over. People don't change, and if and when this rarity occurs, I will revert back to my motto, "prove it."

Merry early Christmas to all and may the next year bring us all prosperity and good fortune. (Gosh, that was such an asianized sentence.)

• Really STOP procrasinating
• STAND UP for myself, even if I care about them
• Be more FOCUSED
• FIND myself again
• Reconnect with GOD and my guiding voices